Redeemed?

Does it matter who you are with .. when you aren’t with the person you’d pictured alongside yourself in your dreams and in the reality? No matter.. who is by your side... if ‘that’ person isn’t with you .. you are always alone. The same city stinks of somnolence.. of dejection .. where once ..your love had bloomed and the birds had sung. Where you had most passionately set your heart and mind ..you inflict injuries. You want to retrieve yourself – but every door is closed ..and then you redeem yourself through your own sins.

I met him .. don’t ask his name .. in the ghost city of my past. He wasn’t from my past but he held no future either. I turn myself off and revisit the haunted chambers of the life gone by. Isn’t memory more appealing than facts? I look around .. in the ‘Valley of the Kings’ ... my ‘Wadi el-Muluk’ .. where I buried my pharaoh.. my King of romance .. and I’m buried alongside him there .. with all my sins .. my only possessions.. my sanity and my love… in the tomb named .. ‘trust.’ I close my eyes and listen to the voices of my past and they whisper to me. I’d lived there once .. in my emotions and in my vanity. Where I saw charm and security once .. I now see dilapidation and imprisonment. For a long time I lived as a recluse thinking about my losses ..for a longer time than my pride would suffer but I gave up. Now ..I ransack that faint touch .. that whit resemblance of my past... and flow like a cheap liquor. I cross from sin to sin. Pain and pleasure are two dimensions of the same energy .. I’m addicted to both.

I found him there. He’d the glimpses of my past.. thunderous sophistication .. passion etched upon his noble features .. an unadulterated amalgam of a sinner and a saint. His fierce grey eyes had shimmer of mercury that melted me… a sweet melting melancholy ..dissolving shadowy sweetness of vague regret and dim longing. His passion for colossal went hand in hand with his love for the minute. Like Cupid he seemed to be carrying two sets of arrows: one set gold-headed, which inspired love, and the other lead-headed, which inspired hatred.

I’d read somewhere – love is the only game in this world in which there are only losers. A word without meaning .. not a rock but a whirlpool .. the emptiness that sucks down the soul. You get dumped or you dump – in either case.. you are a loser. I think the difference is.. if you are in the former category you take some time .. you need that time to accept .. and then you can easily get sympathy. You just have to tell your ‘sorry story’ with a sprinkle of curry powder… to someone and then you can fool around. I took my time likewise .. to yield to the bitter reality … I confided in him in murmured sentences .. punctured by long silences - I was dumped. My fault? I’m not sure .. perhaps .. talking .. giving .. trying too hard to please .. endeavoring to seduce. I didn’t need any ‘cooking’ .. my curry powder is untouched in the kitchen ..– that’s the truth .. In a smoky lounge we raised our glasses.. the wine glowed like rubies.. with an amber fire in my eyes I told him .. I’m only gonna marry a stranger .. coz a stranger would take at least some time to discover – where my soft nerves lie and then hit upon them ferociously.

We walked together in our castle of debauchery. The castle was no longer.. a colored picture of the Arabian Nights I’d once ventured as an innocent child. It was a familiar place full of old details that still required some digging. The Roman god of dreams and American impresario of spectacle .. were our Aides. I didn’t love him ..I’d promised someone I wouldn’t love again but I never promised that ‘someone’ I wouldn’t lose myself again. I wasn’t losing this time .. I wanted to gain .. a new flame .. that spark of life I’d lost in that ‘someone’s’ eyes when he walked away so numbly. I wanted to undergo a change or even vanish altogether. That secret ingratitude .. in one sense disturbed me and in another pleased me immensely. Look .. I didn’t break any promise .. I made a new beginning without any promise .. A few months of diversion .. to sample the joys ..this peninsula had on offer ..and as every good or bad thing ends.. this experiment ..ended too ..

I’m tired .. yet again ..I want to escape.. I seek redemption... I’m exploring a new territory. Is it my final frontier? My Mediterranean shore bathed in perpetual sunshine? The mirage of a novel journey excites me.. the glamour of voyage and the unknown thrills my senses.. as the wind snaps on my long hair ..whopping it into knots that would perhaps.. take a lifetime to untangle. I don’t know how to embark on this journey . .with tenderness or with rancor? I’m marrying a stranger tonight ..as I promised myself ... I look at this stranger … as if across a chasm .. I detect a myriad of faces ...But why do I feel.. I have been dumped again?

PS :- Fiction! After a long time.