Pandora's Box ..

I’m supposed to write 20 random things about myself. Trust me – its tough. Though – I only blabber about – "me myself and I" on this blogsite - this "tagging" seems like a big ask!
First of all sorry Mani ( Ze Exaggeratorr!) for being so late in fulfilling this obligation. These days, I’m at my wit’s end so forgive me if I’m not able to do full justice with this tagging. You wrote an awesome post but I - of course can’t match your chapaats :D

All the readers are warned! My taste is avaricious and vulgar.
Reading this list can be injurious to your sensibility coz I’m about to ajar - yet another Pandora’s Box! So here goes - my list of evils and sins -

1) The first random thing would be – I have lost that initial charm, I had for blogging. I have a sequel to complete but I don’t feel like writing anymore. At the same time, I have connected to some amazing people through this medium so I don’t want to give it up altogether.
I need a break .. I’m not sure from what .. from myself n from my writings too. I’m not a writer but whatever I do at least I try to do wholeheartedly. I seriously tried to write everything with all my feelings but somehow my previous blogs sound - all wrong and fake to me. I think I’m through for the time being. Perhaps, I need some fresh inspiration for my "impressionistic prose-poetry!" Heh!

2) I’m very shy! Trust me I am .. docile nubile nimble humble simple (I can think of at least 20 adjectives but I don’t like singing my own praises :P) If things had gone the way I wanted – I would have been married by now with two kids (twins) ;) I’m sure, I have every quality to become - a purrfect homebreaker . .err maker!

3) On a second (or third!) thought, I don’t wanna miss this golden opportunity. I have been told my voice is heart-stirring - both spiky and silky and my laugh rings resonantly .. ahem ...

4) I have a dark side that very few people get to know ;) I only feel like myself when it begins to get dark. I’m basically insomniac!

5) I’m obsessed with my Dog. When he greets me with his tail thumping, his claws slithering across the floor in his excitement as he dashes out to me – I feel I’m the happiest person in this world. I know - all dogs do that but my dog is really special. He licks my tears when I cry, tickles me with his head when I laugh, nudges my feet with his claws - when he wants to play. I’m blessed to have him in my life – he is inseparable from my very existence.

6) I have an astounding collection of lipsticks and nail paints in weird shades – from fuchsia, shocking pink, blue, green to black. You name it - I have it. I haven’t tried most of them but I keep stocking!

7) Off late, I lost 8-kg weight! I’m feeling damn good about myself and I’m on a shopping spree.

8) I’m a chain smoker for ummmm past almost - 5 years. (I’m aware of the ill-effects n I hate sermons. My favorite quote is – smoking kills you slowly – whos is in the hurry anyways!). I’m darn loyal to my brand. Theres a very sweet verse on cigarette by Amrita Preetam, the famous Punjabi/Hindi author. "Ek hi brand ki akeedat aashique hone ki nishaani hoti hai" loosely translated as " addiction to one brand is the sign of being an ashique" I dunno the angrezi of ashique! (help me!!)

9) I kiss my TV screen at least once during KBC dwitiye. I adulate Amitabh Bachchan. I try kissing Sachin Tendulkar too but he gets ‘out’ - right before I can accomplish the kiss!!! :(
Currently, I have hots for Johm Abraham. (Its better to fall in love with a celebrity or a virtual character, I’m not gonna meet for real. Theres no danger of heart-break or getting lurched.)

10) Tall men (6 footahs) and good booze is my weakness. Most of the time I’m 'non compos mentis.'
I’m one of those who - welcome the good news in the firmament of gin, drink away their sorrows in whiskey pegs, gulp rum in ghum when they are lonely, clink mugs of beer when they are celebrating with friends, hold goblets of champagne when they are acting classy or gobble from the bottle when they are rowdy and sip cocktails when they want to be sober.
Romantic dinner without red wine .. is a big no no.

11) I’m hopelessly single these days. (hint hint for a certain 6 footer – if he is reading!)

12) You can get me but you can’t keep me. If you manage to keep me you can’t get rid of me ;)

13) If there is anything I detest, it is weak-minded sentimentalities – all those melancholy people, who out of an excess sympathy for themselves, miss the trill of their own essence and drift through life without identity, like a human fog, feeling sorry for themselves.
Disappointed in themselves they build whole cities, whole creations, empires and principalities, of tear-wet disappointments. It is doubly painful to admit – I’m one of them - myself :(

14) It’s been a week – I haven’t cried. :)

15) When I was 6 year old I fought with my dad and wrote in my diary – Papa I’ll never talk to you and I won’t become a sanyasi. Heh! My father is a Osho follower and he wore only saffron clothes back in those times. Everyone in the family was silently opposed to his "way of living." I was too young to understand the intrinsic details so I was his sole supporter. Now I think – I might end up on the himalays pretty soon!

16) I flunked in mathematics when I was in class 7th – for the first and the last time n delightfully bid goodbye to it - after 10th. Hehe I’m still pathetic in this subject! The lesser said the better – about this.

17) My ultimate dream is to play guitar someday. I have tried a few times but gave up. My soft fingers bled profusely coz of the cuts from the strings. The first song I wanna play is – Cloud number nine by Bryan Adams.

"so baby tonight let's leave the world behind and spend some time up on cloud number nine .. we can watch the world go by – up on cloud number nine"
Gosh I’m a hardcore romantic and this song gets me into one of those moods when I swing in ecstasy.

18) The last movie that I saw in a theatre was Mughl-e-azam! Call me ancient?? .. naah it was the colored version – I saw at least an year back.

19) I love my city. I don't wanna live anywhere else in this whole damn world. 2 weeks is the maximum time I can afford to stay away then I want to run back. Driving in Delhi is always an immense pleasure - through the regions of immense jamun trees, large low villas shrouded with magenta bougainvillea, yellow stucco buildings between rubber trees, multi-stories, multiplexes, smooth hedges, closed gates, sentries in sentry boxes, and parakeets in flamboyant trees……
I’m totally disgusted when people talk shit about my city. Yes it isn’t the perfect place in this world but nothing and noone is perfect.

20) I’m a dreamer. I hardly sleep in the nights. Therefore, I call myself, day-dreamer! I dream about lavish castles in the moonlight and a river with willow trees all along the edge, passionate nights, expensive holidays in most lavish hotels in Europe and Australia, islands, sea, mountains etc etc ..(I have covered most of my mindless fantasies in the blog "my wishing carpet")

Wow! I’m done! Yipppiee.
Ok its morning and I should catch some sleep and I think I can rest peacefully now!

Another tough task is – I have to pass the tag!
I would like to pass it to – Vi and Ginkgo :D (please don’t curse me!)
I won’t be surprised if they don’t comply. :)

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The Astral Body ...

This happened a day after, my father had spelled out some meditation techniques. I don’t remember exactly, how the conversation drifted from one topic to the other. It perhaps began with the discussion on my insomnia. No matter how tired I am - I’m awake throughout the night. I manage to sleep around 6 am for a couple of hours - till the time my mom screams yells and wakes me up.

As a kid, I remember, when my dad meditated, just before going to bed and I bugged him to tell me a story - sometimes complaining, I was not sleepy, he apprised me, to observe my breath. "This is the key of meditation.. mind is a bundle of thoughts.. witness your breath…it’ll unrestraint your mind and sleep gonna embrace you." But I can’t free my mind with thoughts .. in fact I cant – I cant concentrate on anything .

I contrived to persuade a friend of mine – his brother is a doctor .. and he promised to get me some sleeping pills. Overprotective that he is – he discerned he would hand me only 5 pills every month. This arrangement had slipped outta my head like sanity – but since a long time he had been supplying the pills regularly. I never took them but hoarded them. They are addictive – I’m told, and I already had, more than one addiction, to take care of.

On the said night .. I was drunk .. groping the charms of a life gone by, wanting to free myself from the spell of certain conversations that kept hovering around me. Weary and teary, I could not focus and found myself in a dilapidated dream, in which events repeated themselves. Aftershocks of frustrated desires were swaying my blue-curtained bed as I twisted, turned and tried to cling on to something ..that wasn’t even offered. I’d taken a warm shower, had just finished reading a book by Osho and had on my softest nightclothes. I’d wept in order to empty myself of self-pity and remorse, burnt incense and had taken every pain to secure serenity in my room. I was now.. striving to gather the best years of my life and finally resorting to concentrating on breath, I comprehended, nothing worked and I was failing as usual.

Ergo .. I looked for the pills. My mind was jumbled with thoughts. I’d been nursing a sterile desire .. I had so little in my life ..hopelessness inundated me again. I’d read something about it just a moment back .. "with the object, misery exists; with the desire, the miserable mind; with the demand, with the complaining mind, the hell." dang .. I gobbled a pill. I wanted a curt regression .. nothing happened . . "you are so much engrossed with the object, that’s why you cannot look within.." I swallowed another one.. "Always, you have been surrounded by darkness. With the awareness moving inwards, there is light, and in that light you come to know there has been no darkness" …n then one more .. more n more. Sleep .. still eluded me. Exhausted by this hard work, feeling dizzy but still not sleepy .. I endeavored to concentrate on my breath again ..

It worked this time. I was floating in an invisible sea, warm, ecstatic, silent ..there was beauty, balance .. harmony .. it was a dreamless .. comfortable sleep. I assumed the daylight was breaking in .. coz I heard my mother’s voice. Invariably, she wakes me up with a cup of tea and I don’t like drinking tea without brushing my teeth. The taste of nicotine from the endless cigarettes I’d smoked, the previous night, in my search of sleep ..is stale in my mouth when I get up ..

Half-sleepy, I headed for the washroom. My mouth felt scorched with tobacco smoke .. I started brushing.. rinsing and splashing water on my face ..

When I entered my room again – wiping my face … I was shocked ..
I saw myself on the bed .. still sleeping …
I dropped the towel on the floor n started shivering. How was it possible? The figure lying in front of me .. on the bed .. was indeed me ..

My father, a determined man with puritanical sensibilities had said, sleep is some kind of unconscious meditation, while meditation is a conscious sleep. I was certainly not meditating. I was only struggling to follow a technique and was hoping .. it could put me to sleep. I whacked my brains harder n harder. I was vaguely thrilled when he had mentioned "Astral Body and Astral Travel." Astral body is a tool of the self, to perceive other frequency realities, one more form of our consciousness, just like our physical body. It can come 'out' of the body of the ‘meditator’ and then one can see her/his own 'physical body.' It makes one understand that we are not just body and mind, we actualize we are unlimited and have other dimensions. It was amusing - how could I come out of my body with this fragmented knowledge and no practice? I elicited taking pills after pills. How many did I take? I had lost count .. It suddenly occurred to me that it could kill a person. Did I die in my sleep?

Quiet in contrast, my "physical body" lying on the bed was free from intangible thoughts and manifold sensations. My robust face was calm, my long straight glistering hair was spread on the blue pillow like a stringed musical instrument. My left leg was visible under the slit of the rainbow colored wrap-around .. the solitary silver anklet that I wore in my left feet .. was glittering .. Aah whatta waste of beauty and youth.. I wanted to live I knew that now, but everything else was unclear.. I was sitting beside myself .. and was mourning my death!!
I could not bear the site of myself .. so quiet and helpless ...

With an expression of deliberately controlled hysteria on my face.. I walked passed the living room .. latched the main entrance of my apartment n went outside. I sat on the bench in the lawn brooding under the russet colors of early November sky. I sat there for a brief time and listened to the world around me in the silence of the morning. This silence roared in my ears .. in my eyes and in my heart. I realized I no longer belonged there ..I had no place there .. I was dead..

I strolled.. amongst the apartment buildings faltering their upper storeys across the way as if in conspiracy against the sky. I stumbled morosely in the sunrays striking off in aqueous light, few voices around me of people taking their morning walk and walking their dogs. I wanted reassurances from them .. but there was none to offer me that. It was tough to stand alone and think where I stood and even tougher to contemplate where I was going. I was barefooted .. but nothing was hurting me .. the pebbles .. the concrete .. everything was normal .. I wondered- what would people conclude if they saw me .. dressed in a Technicolor outfit .. sauntering without slippers. I hoped they thought, I was an ultra ‘hep’ woman .. and it was some latest fashion. Or an artist who had discovered the trick to emulate Hussein, and was about to paint a horse sexier than John Abraham!

I completely forgot that I’d died in my sleep last night. My emotions were cool now, as if insulated of. My feet took their own direction and I was home beside my "corpse" again .. I was now estimating all my friends, acquaintances, relatives. It was queer how you met and passed souls thus and a few of them left sweetness with you… you passed one another n parted.. it might as well be forever and yet there remained the touch of sweetness and of pain. Who all would mourn my death ?
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I can overhear my parents talking in the other room .. My mother has finally decided she gonna wake me up and is brewing tea. They are going to discover in a few moment … I’m no more. Another exciting thought has just crossed my mind... everything is over.. everything is finished .. gone .. but nothing has finished ..nothing is done.. and I must go on.. I’m dressing up to attend my funeral .. errr .. cremation…

TO BE CONTINUED.

PS – Pure imagination! I’m back.. alive and kicking .. Gonna keep updating my blog .. that would now contain – the tales of my new life ;)

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