Letters to the Dead..

I read somewhere.. ancient Egyptians wrote letters to the dead when they couldn’t find any exhilaration amongst the living... when I read this it stirred me so much.. that I could not sleep for few nights. I contemplated death and dying .. and pondered over it again n again .. what comfort did they get when they wrote these letters…did they really think .. the dead would read these letters . or it was an exercise to soothe themselves... unerringly

Why do we write? For me .. its more like a bliss .. it heals me .. most of the time when I get lost in the worldliness .. I look for a respite .. some composure ..then I read or I write .. it has a magical affect ..

I lost something about a year back … when I was on some razor edge between excruciating delight and impatience... I’m calling it ‘something’ coz I don’t have no words to describe it .. it was something that someone else and me thought would go on forever but had come apart savagely and with finality. .it may sound ordinary ..as people around me said .. "we have been there .. done that" .. presumably… for them.. it was nothing .. but I couldn’t help thinking about it again and again .. when I watched him go.. in the shadow .. I knew this image would remain with me forever.. this person.. this shimmering body moving away from my life…I felt inside the unhitching of pieces of myself ..things drawing apart and falling away ..I know there are many puzzles in this world and there is no reason to cling on one … this puzzle could best be left alone .. they say .. move on .. so I am moving on .. in my own way ..

More than a year has passed since he left ..and it seems so cruel that time should pass so gently and leave behind long swaths of unremembered moments…. I’m afraid of a memory dying and keep painting pages with my ramble .. ..I wrote him about 250 long mails in that one year we were together … and even after this moving on .. or moving away .. I must have written him at least 50 more .. but I knew my words did not have the same effect on him .. then I thought of writing some letters to the dead .. n I did .. the dead person I wrote to.. is nobody else .. but me ..

"Some people meet their ghosts, and some don’t, but we are all haunted by them."

Virtually.. I’m filled with a longing so bitter that I want to die all over again .. I want to be full of that certain hell of hope and remorse again .. and then I end up with an echoing silence in my own wilderness ..sometimes passion kills love in springtime .. and coz it dies in its beauty .. poets and singers sing its praise .. it’s the love that escapes years …if the bond is so true why break it ? what do we know of eternity but the glimpse of it .. when we enter this bond ..so I have allowed it to survive in some or the other form …
"I could suffice for Him, I knew
He- could suffice for Me-
Yet Hesitating Fractions - Both
Surveyed Infinity"
(Emily Dickinson- my favorite poet)

The cruelty of strangers or friends is nothing compared to what love can do .. it’s a journey of days.. years ..a chronic case of heartache .. the relentless wooing to win .. and then losing again n again …

I was told by some friends to write blogs .. n was warned .. it doesn’t guarantee you readers .. some of my friends said .. they had been posting for eons but they read it themselves.. so my letters to dead were written for my own self .. posted here .. and I thought they would be lost here in the webpages.. the way I have lost ‘me’ somewhere within myself ..

Somebody had asked me ..how would I describe myself .. and I said .. flower-fist-bestial-wail .. it describes me the best .. Nobody has one face .. we all have a set of masks .. I still don’t know whats the real me .. but I have seen myself in all these forms .. I have rejoiced the tenderness . when I saw myself as flower ….then wailed my beastly fall .. but I’m human .. and as I said in one of my blogs .. I’m a sinner :)

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Below the surface .. below the belt ..

This is my "doosra" akka Muralitharan style (not Harbhajan Singh please .. I'm much more lethal) I termed my first attempt as “slogging”… let’s see how this attempt turns out to be and if I come out radiant in winning colors like Sachin Tendulkar… but I still have a long way to go .. and this sounds way too ambitious for a novice ..

Now that I have decided I gotta write .. I’m confounded with silence .. well silence is golden .... “a beggar that is dumb you know may challenge double pity….” ..But Silence doesn’t work in this medium .. and I have already blabbered ..I love words .. and this brings to me a very interesting proposition .. how many of us use words while fantasizing .. heh!

When I use the word fantasizing…. I know most male minds would drift towards .. their buxom beauties they fantasize with .. in their realms of mind ..ahem .... but lets not get into that ... . I’m going to be subtle sublime yet sultry ..all at once .. and save my tryst with sins for some other time … as someone pointed out ….. “Is love a sin ?” This won’t be a bad idea for a whole new blog .. agreed .. but I’m so used to loving it comes more naturally without thinking and I have given this a thought many times… Freud has said .. “awareness exists in layers and there are thoughts occurring below the surface” .. hmmm .. below the surface is my favourite area .. just like some people love hitting below the belt .. but below the surface is a dangerous zone .. Its mostly full of hidden traits … approximately some of us are exactly the same below the surface .. they would be below the belt .. !!

I have drifted from one place to another .. and I have more than a handful now .. so I have decided to give a shot at “below the surface” .. I hope I don’t sound like a prima donna amidst male crooners .. anyhow.. my inner self is tangible to emotions .. it pines for something exotic and uncertain all the time .. and this often lands me into trouble .. but then whats life without uncertainty and tribulation... and after every uncertainty .. and failure to find something comforting .. I tend to dismiss all my loves .. as ..lusts!! and I won’t call lusting a sin … though lust is believed to be one of the seven deadly sins .. for me its natural too .. like loving caring n dispensing.. it succours my heart and at the same time fills me with poignant loss ..

The ones I think I’ve known even better than myself … never cease to surprise me .. in no time at all they turn out to be someone unfamiliar .. probably I hadn’t known anything ever .. I have both attachment and contempt for the superficial life they lead .. as I would love them to be someone they had portrayed to be … but I despise them for what they turn out to be .. whose fault it is .. I don’t know .. I would never like to know .. few things that can’t be disposed should be stored somewhere … beyond this planet .. inaccessible unapproachable ..
However .. what would that be .. the spectrum between Loving and Despising ..? what would you call that something ? .. calm and clinical..? most of the time I tend to paint everyone emphatically .. either I hate them or I love them .. and most characters keep changing this position .. from hate to love .. from love to hate ..

I have been told many times .. when it comes to women .. most men think *from below the belt *… what about me .. ? the ones I loved I have lusted for them likewise .. trust and lust .. it comes in a package … its one deadly combo .. perhaps love and lust are different sides of the same coin .. no not coin .. for me it was more like a bubble .. coz .. both have left me empty handed ..
Every morning I get up .. promising myself to lift my inner self cryptically…all this oomph around me would make me gentler … but I don’t appreciate the quality of being gentle .. I merely prescribe it to myself at times .. the primitive elegance of Elizabethan era .. errrr .. no … I love the way I am .. outrageous .. malicious … vivacious ..

Some body said beauty is skin deep .. though .. hardly anyone has time to go that deep .. we all dwell over the surface .. if someone asks me .. what I am truly .. I would say .... above the surface I’m safe .. below the surface I’m insecure .. over the surface I get lost .. below the surface I find myself ..

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I'm a Sinner!!

I’m a 20 something bored *hag* blogging in this cyberspace for the first time .. or should I call it slogging .. whatever .. sucha ditzy embarkation for my maiden venture !! But I love words.. the only place I got solace over the years was admist the pages of my diary.. any sneak peek of my most loved and private possession by a stranger angered me .. this was THE place I stored my secrets and the thought of anyone reading them chilled my spine and fumed my nerves. Now here I am.. venting my thoughts in an open medium. I have seen some blogs and often smiled at the ridiculosity .. when I saw intellectual mediocrity afloat everywhere in the name of blogs ( some are good though!) I said to myself .. Hey why not me with my cramped acumen ;) ? so this is me doing the same .. I’m no writer but as I said.. yes.. I love words .. love fiddling with them .. love cuddling with them .. how divine n complete is the feeling when you see yourself evolving and dissolving between words . the only time I feel powerful is when I create something .. and the only way I create is when I fly wingless in the space of my mind with words as my parachute.
"Wounded wing .. how strange to fall from blue. Like a fish that suddenly forgets to swim. When men fly they know by instinct they defy. But to a bird, as to a god, nothing’s more natural than sky …"

I wanna sin .. now don’t get surprised by this sudden confession and frown .. why do I need to declare I need sin in my life .. haven’t we all sinned some or the other time .. ?and most of the time when a woman says she has sinned it boils down to sexual confessions prurient thoughts.. moral pain .. I have erred too .. so many times ..with my judgments with relationships with friends with foes .. and yes I have sinned .. but it wasn’t intentional .. wasn’t premeditated and I ended up feeling more like a culprit who was pushed to wrong doing .. feeble broken shattered .. or lemme term my sins as freudian slips ? "Sometimes the truth has a way of coming out in the most embarrassing and unexpected ways." Now I wanna do something to get some fake sense of power .. I can sin too with a BANG! .. now here you go .. I can break hearts.. I can make others cry …I’m always close enough to get wounded but I never do enough to wound ..I don’t wanna get into the lengthy discrimination between venial sin and mortal sin la Roman Catholic views or the original sin which led to fall of man .. errr woman ? nor do I believe in the theory of karma .. its for philosophical biggies who probably don’t have the guts to sin .. haha

What’s sin then ? We have different yardsticks for women n men when we talk of sin .. Eons back when I was stuck by the Cupid for the first time (just a couple of years back which now seems like a time wrap) I committed a series of sins .. loving .. caring sharing .. bonding .. pitying.. compassion you name it and I exhausted it .The offspring of Cupid’s union with Psyche, his lover was Voluptas, that is, 'Pleasure'.. and my experiments with Cupid produced a bunch of sins ..phew !When I glance through those pages .. I stutter .. stumble and fumble over every page .. every line makes me sick .. I’m not a feminist .. NO.. I haven’t turned into a misandrist either ..I do hate men but with all my grudges and nudges I can declare its tough to live without one .. when you had been in a relationship its tougher and if you hadn’t been into one .. you need to discover .. but men and women ..are we different ..? I won’t say my life is ruined .. but it has definitely changed .. since then .. I’m still in touch with him without touch .. all in my mind .. I’m not the same .. groping in my solitude craving to sin .. yet again .. but what about him ? Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics says – what might be right in one situation might be wrong in another. .. so may be he was right and I’m wrong .. hmmmm

But who knew it all then .. each sin was gratifying ..bewitching .. alluring .. its beautiful falling in love .. the ones who look at us superficially can’t imagine how earnest, how petulant how accommodating, how wilful is our quest for something beyond ourselves ..that we imagine with our separate spirits but are compelled to embody together… from condonable sins to cardinal old sin of Love ..Love torments you.. yet contents you ..its very fragile .. it comes with a stream of emotions overpowers you majestically and with the blink of your eye.. its gone .. and when its gone . you are addicted . though you proclaim you have lost faith in love .. lost faith in living .. you search again .. for momentary pleasures .. for some tender touch ..for more n more SINS!!!..

It was probably just a glitch then.. but the only sin I commit over and over again is .. I Love ….
More on my experiments with sin .. later …

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